With over 23 million diagnosed cases of senioritis just this year—the worst hit we’ve ever faced—epidemiologists worry that this year’s wave is unstoppable. Scientists are unsure of the disease’s exact cause, but several studies have found a strong positive correlation between college acceptances and a lack of motivation to do anything in life.
One of those 23 million diagnosed cases belongs to 18-year-old Sally Slowe (12) of Noview High School.
Slowe was once a young, vibrant girl. She had a bright future ahead of her—taking 13 APs throughout the course of her high school career, president of the Say ‘Yes!’ to Success Academic club, and captain of the girls soccer team. However, according to Slowe’s mother, Pepper Slowe, that all changed halfway through Sally’s senior year.
“Just this past December, we were all elated when Sally got her admission into Brown University,” Pepper said. “I think that was the last time we’d seen Sally excited about anything having to do with school.”
No more than just a couple days later, Sally got her first-ever tardy slip.
“We were all so taken aback,” Sally’s father, Jimbo Slowe, said. “Sally’s never been late to school before, always making sure to arrive at least 10 minutes early. That day, she didn’t get out of bed till 11 a.m.. Her school starts at 8:30.”
This wasn’t just a one-time thing. Since then, Sally has incurred 72 yellow tardy slips—enough to line the walls of a typical New York City apartment. And it didn’t just stop at tardies.
“In January, Sally got her first ever B on an assignment in AP Statistics,” Pepper said, tears collecting in her eyes. “At first, we blew it off as a chance occurrence. However, once Sally began calculating how many assignments she could forgo while still maintaining C’s in her classes, we knew it had gotten bad.”
They approached Sally on the topic.
“I don’t get why everyone’s making such a big deal about it,” Sally said. “I’ve already gotten my college acceptance. What’s the point in trying anymore? Honestly, I haven’t felt this happy and free just living since the third grade. It’s great.”
The spread of the disease has gotten so bad that colleges have considered stopping admissions altogether in the coming years. Currently, an estimated five in seven high school seniors have been diagnosed with senioritis.
“I’m planning on checking myself out of my third and fourth period classes tomorrow to go on a day-long road trip to Cancún with my friends,” Sally said. “I think everyone should stop being so uptight about life and just let loose a little. Enjoy it while it happens.”
Senioritis experts have classified Sally’s case as terminal.
