New Year’s resolutions are the most spurious things I’ve ever heard of. “New year, new me” and all that balderdash. Why on Earth should you buy into the delusion that you, flawless you, should completely reinvent yourself? 

Every other time of the year, we get the same messages drilled into our heads: Love yourself! Be positive! You’re amazing just the way you are! Then New Year’s resolutions roll in, and all of a sudden you need to exercise more, read entrepreneurship books, and form genuine emotional connections. How hypocritical. 

There’s enough negativity in the world, and to buy into self-deprecation when you’ve done nothing wrong, ever, in your life-a peak human?! What a waste of time. 

In Spain and some other Latin American countries, people usher in the New Year by trying to down 12 grapes between the first and 12th clock strokes of midnight to secure good luck in the coming year. The grapes are meant to symbolize positive habits, changes you’re going to make. Starting off another 365 days of life competing with yourself, choking on grapes, and wishing for dumb luck to succeed?  You’re better than that. You’re better than everyone.

I have not a resolution for you, but a proposition: don’t consume any of these grapes, literally or metaphorically. Give them to other people. Be selfless.

See, the rest of the world is burdened with something you’re free of: naïve realism bias. Everyone is under the impression that they can view reality objectively, omnisciently. They believe they must be perfect, because if they weren’t they would’ve noticed. It makes them arrogant, patronizing menaces who expect you to defer to them for advice. Not you, obviously, but everyone else. 

These poor saps are ambling along, blind as bats to their fatal flaws. Your sibling, chewing loudly as ever because they must not be able to hear; your best friend, always texting you about homework 10 minutes to midnight because they’re a chronic procrastinator; your parent, who seasons dinner like they’re scraping by in the Great Depression; even your dog, who either acts sedated or whose tail is wagging so aggressively the wind energy could generate power on Earth for a year; all of them, stagnant in mediocrity. They haven’t a clue how disappointing they are, especially in comparison to you. 

Most New Year’s resolutions fail, and that’s because people just can’t assess themselves honestly. It’s easier to assume that you’re perfect, and the rest of the world is what needs to bring about change.

 What you need to do is wake everyone up. Tell them what’s wrong with them and how they can fix it. Save them as only you can. 

Giving resolutions will be so much easier than making them for yourself, and you, the benevolent person you are—will be improving many others, dare I say our very society—rather than trying to mess with perfection. 

Mahatma Gandhi said “be the change you want to see in the world.” I say, channel your reverse Gandhi. Tell those around you “be the change I want to see in the world.” Dole out your grapes, then sit back and watch humanity blossom. Your family and friends will probably thank you. You’ve changed their lives, after all, and all while maintaining the most important thing of all: staying true to yourself. If they don’t, I have another resolution for you to add to their lists: gratitude.