The Journey to Pee

There is a very specific and treacherous route to reach the restrooms at Westview. The obstacles you must overcome both physically and psychologically are dangerous. You will need a guide, and I volunteer myself to ensure your safety and to help you get to the restroom before your bladder bursts or your rectum explodes.

When Nature Calls.

Our first and easiest task is getting out of class. Most teachers are fine if you walk out whenever, as they understand that when nature calls, you must answer or risk an embarrassing mishap. There are a select few who require you to ask, then take a pass or write your name down. Those instances are your first obstacles on this increasingly treacherous journey, but try to get past them as quickly as possible, for there are many more sinister barriers to come.

Outside of the classroom.

Once you step outside your comfortable classroom, you find yourself in a very different world. Class ditchers are commonly seen on their phones or enjoying the fresh air, but, though tempting, you must not follow in their way of life. You must not relax. To The Toilet!

Open Sesame.

There is a barrier in our way on this next leg of the journey. This is the most classic obstacle that man could face: a locked door. Oftentimes, two out of the three restrooms have locked doors, with the objective of blocking out the high school deviants who view our toilet rooms as vape lounges. Poor souls like you and me are merely collateral damage.

Welcome to Hell.

Finally, inside the door, you realize this is no regular restroom… this place is Hell. Degenerates gather for their hourly rituals of hitting the Miami Mint Elf Bars. They occupy the stalls where you should be releasing the urine that sent you on this mission, but rather, they are in there ripping their wax pens, filling the air with hints of the devil’s lettuce.

Navigating the Labyrinth.

Once past them, you find yourself in a labyrinth—the minotaur chasing you being the about-to-piss-yourself sensation. A maze of muffin tops, fried chicken pieces, and usually carrots, stand in the way between you and the toilet. Burst ketchup packets look like the blood of those who didn’t make it out, but ignore them: you’ve got this. Keep to the opposite side of the sinks, where the food items are lesser, weaving in and out of carbs and condiments, one foot at a time. Ducking past the TikTok dancers without experiencing a hot rush of embarrassment is nearly impossible, but you’ll do your best.

Piss Off.

When you finally reach the stall, shuffle in as quickly as possible before the rest of the bathroom hazards find you. In this process, it is likely you will slip, and not just on water, but in pee. It’s not difficult to slip and land in another person’s urine, and it happens to the best of us. At this point, it may seem best to turn back. You look down at your piss-drenched body and see that some of the ketch-up got on your shoes. You smell the combination of piss, mint, and weed equating to defeat. You hear the other kids in the bathroom laughing at you as you lay there on the floor.

You are a Fighter.

However broken you feel, today is not the day you don’t get to use the bathroom. You do your business, walk out from between those black plastic walls, and fight through the humiliation. Holding your head high and radiating your anger outward ought to do the trick. The vapers will undoubtedly see that angry look on your face and run in terror.

Pity.

After washing your hands (but not drying them, since there are no paper towels) and walking outside, you will somehow manage to still feel confident. You relieved yourself, you achieved your goal, and most importantly, you survived. All you can do now is feel sorry for all the people who got in your way: the nicotine addicts, the iPad kid class-ditchers, the immature high-schoolers who play with their food. You may be covered in Heinz and urine, but at least you aren’t one of them.