Every time someone tells me they have an iPhone, I can’t help but jump back in horror. 

“You have an iPhone?” I say in disbelief, my hand on my chest and my mouth agape.  

I simply don’t understand how anyone willingly chooses to use an iPhone. It’s obvious that Android devices are superior, for a number of incontrovertible reasons. Everyone has an Android. Frankly, iPhones are barely functional at best. What do you use to text, iMessages? How quaint. Apple has a singular texting app. Android has, I don’t know, like eight? And as we all know, variety is what makes life more interesting. 

Sometimes, my friends will ask me to take a picture using their iPhone, and I can’t believe the terrible camera quality! How could you buy a phone with only three cameras? You need five at least if you want to be worthy of respect. And I can barely even see the screen with all the cracks on the surface. 

I guess that’s what you get for buying such a cheaply made device. There must be something wrong  with manufacturing.  

When I’m handed an iPhone and I look at the interface, I’m overcome with confusion and hesitation. Everything is different from my aesthetically pleasing android. The design choices are bizarre, the layout is puzzling. I don’t understand why there isn’t a way to see all the apps at once. Usually, I’ll hand the phone right back saying, “I can’t use this. iPhones don’t make sense.” 

Even worse, I hate it when I get a text from someone with an iPhone and it says so-and-so “liked an image.” That sort of thing never happens when I text a fellow Android user. It’s so lazy, impersonal, and detached to just “like” an image. I expect a complete response of, “OMG, that’s the best picture I have ever seen.” And, pictures and videos sent from iPhones are so grainy and blurry. I really think this issue is on the iPhone’s side. When I receive pictures and videos from another Android, I never have a problem.  

It’s common knowledge that if you want to be cool, you need an Android. Comparing iPhones to Androids is like comparing Apples to oranges adorned in gold. They’re just so different. 

Truly, iPhones should be banned. Apple users pollute our world with their complaints about receiving green text bubbles and their complicated, usually obnoxious group chat names. In truth, I guess it’s fine if you have an iPhone.

We can still be friends. Just don’t expect to be included in my group chats.