Perceived as one, twins live in parallel

Up until her 18th birthday, Nasha Mavandadi (’21) chose her birthday celebrations every other year. Every birthday that ended with an even number, Nasha invited her friends over for a birthday bash, chose decorations and selected a birthday party theme. On the years in between, birthdays were planned by her fraternal twin sister, Nava Mavandadi (’21), who opted for quieter celebrations.  

This tradition of alternating birthday planning privileges was devised by Nasha and Nava in middle school to settle their annual dispute on how to spend their special day. 

“We could never agree on what we wanted to do for our birthdays, so early on we decided that one person would get to choose how we celebrated one year and the other would just have to agree with it,” Nasha said.

Aside from their birthday, many other parts of Nasha and Nava’s lives were paralleled. From the same haircuts, to matching outfits, and even similar-sounding names, whatever Nasha had, Nava shared.

“Our parents knew that they wanted to keep us close, and I think that’s pretty apparent with our names,” Nasha said. “They definitely always made an effort to keep things pretty equal for us, like whatever we owned, I would have in pink and Nava would have in blue.”

Growing up, Ethan Rhee (9) and Jonathan Rhee (9) were also frequently seen by family friends and relatives as a singular unit. 

Because the two are identical twins, the people around them often have a difficult time telling them apart, so much so that Ethan and Jonathan made it a game to stand side-by-side and have people try to guess who was who.

Ethan and Jonathan used to find it frustrating when they were confused for one another, but Jonathan said that they’ve since grown used to it. Above all else, he associates his relationship with Ethan with the word “fun.”

“Ever since we were young, we’ve always bonded over doing everything fun together,” Jonathan said. “When we were growing up, we would go play in the backyard together and even now, if I want to play video games with Ethan after dinner, I can just look at him a certain way and he just knows. Almost every fun memory I have, Ethan is in it.”

According to Joan Friedman, a psychotherapist from the Institute of Contemporary Psychoanalysis and a twin herself, the sense of connection that twins may feel can be defined as a comforting bond, which is a relationship that nurtures emotional connection rather than development. 

“[Identical and fraternal] twins have a unique relationship because they can comfort one another emotionally and relate to shared experiences, typically at a higher level than normal siblings or a close friend,” Friedman said. “In many ways, it can make their relationship even stronger because twins can grow dependent upon each other for academic help or emotional support.”

Fraternal twins Brayden Lillie (11) and Micayla Lillie (11) lack the identical features that other sets of twins may share. In their youth, Brayden and Micayla looked different. Many people. wouldn’t know that they were twins upon meeting them. However, in spite of their physical differences, Brayden said that he and Micayla can understand one another better than anybody else.

“There’s that unexplainable, absolute feeling that we have each other’s backs, no matter what,” Brayden said. “I can easily tell what her genuine emotions are regardless of what performance she’s putting on. If she ever wants to leave a party, I can tell from just one look.”

According to Brayden, this strong sense of connection that he shares with Micayla originated from the activities they participated in together from elementary to middle school. The two briefly played soccer together in elementary, shared a group of friends for most of middle school, and were virtually inseparable.

Similarly, Nasha and Nava participated in the same extracurricular activities growing up as their parents and coaches tried to maintain a sense of fairness. The two joined recreational volleyball teams, swimming classes, and basketball teams, and in every activity, they were always teammates. Their coaches always ensured that when one twin was promoted to a higher level, the other would be promoted to the same level at the same time. 

“For the most part we had similar skill sets, but I recognize now that it may have been an attempt to keep things fair so [Nava and I] wouldn’t feel bad if one of us was left behind at a lower level,” Nasha said. “I appreciate that people did that for us, but I think it would’ve been fine to be told that I wasn’t as good at something as Nava because we could still be proud of each other.”

Friedman said it can be common for parents, coaches, or teachers to try to keep things equal for twins to prevent them from developing animosity towards one another. 

However, when the attempt to keep things fair begins hindering the opportunities that one twin may have over the other, it can promote unrealistic standards of constant equality.

“Habits as small as counting out the number of potato chips for each child or giving them the same exact toys to play with can teach children the wrong lesson about fairness,” Friedman said. “By ensuring that everything is always equal, you’re telling twins that everything they have in life will always be the same.”

Developing differences, while maintaining a close bond

Because so many parts of their lives were so deeply intertwined throughout elementary and middle school, Nasha said she began to feel so invested in her identity as a twin that she found herself adapting her own likes and interests to fit Nava’s. 

“I definitely found myself liking things just because Nava liked them, because I thought ‘If she likes something, then why shouldn’t I?’” Nasha said. “When Nava started listening to One Direction’s music, I decided I liked them too, so I started listening to their music and being their fan.”

When twins pursue personal interests, Friedman said it can be a healthy opportunity for them to start being perceived separately. 

“A hard idea for twins to reconcile is that even when they’re really different, they’re still connected, so instilling this idea that differences don’t change the bond twins have is an important idea to emphasize,” Friedman said. “For many adolescents, finding a sense of self comes from trying lots of new things, and so for twins, they just need the same grace to do so.”

On top of diverging in terms of activities, Friedman said that a separation in life experiences can also allow twins to grow and educate each other. 

For Brayden, he said that he feels his views of the world are very different from his sister’s. When Micayla shares her perspective on current events with him, he said he feels more enlightened.

“Micayla has always been passionate about women’s rights and gender inequality, so she has always been an educator to me in that way,” Brayden said. “When she shares her opinion and experiences with me, I get to look at the world in a different lens which gives me a more empathetic approach to politics and social justice.”

Beyond sharing their individual perspectives, twins can  guide each other towards feeling more connected in the classroom.

For Nasha and Nava, being twins meant they remained incredibly close throughout their early education. At the start of each school year, Nasha remembered how her mother would visit the principal’s office and request that she and her sister were placed in the same class throughout elementary and middle school.

“It was easier for all of us because our mom would only have to worry about getting to know one teacher and helping us with one set of homework, and we always had someone to sit next to on the first day of class,” Nasha said. “It sort of instilled a sense of dependency that Nava and I had with each other because we knew we could always be there for one another.”

For all three sets of twins, it wasn’t until the Westview 4-by-4 schedule separated them into different classes from their twin,  that they were each finally able to truly explore their senses of self.

For Nasha, being separated from Nava meant having to relearn some of her social habits, such as the way she carried conversations with another person. 

“In freshman year, I realized how heavily I had relied on Nava when meeting new people,” Nasha said. “In middle school, whenever we made a new friend, I knew I could expect her to carry half the conversation and I could carry the other half. When it came to high school, I realized I needed to fully do that on my own.”

By the time Brayden and Micayla reached high school, they had grown apart in extracurricular pursuits and in their social circles. Micayla became a cheerleader and joined ASB while Brayden found a community in the art program. Because of their differing schedules, Brayden said he can sometimes get through an entire school day without seeing Micayla. In spite of this, Brayden said they both still share a mutual understanding that they can depend on one another for anything.

“Micayla knows she can text me in the middle of the day and ask for earbuds or a snack, and I’ll meet her outside her classroom,” Brayden said. “If she ever needs anything from me, I never hesitate to be there for her.”

Since most twins gain a heightened level of independence from their twin in high school, Friedman said that it can become a challenging time for twins who have grown used to sharing every new experience they’ve had in life.

“High school is difficult for many adolescents, and the experiences twins have can be drastically different,” Friedman said. “With individual experiences comes feelings of anger, abandonment, betrayal, and even guilt over the fact that a twin connection may feel ruptured.”

Ethan and Jonathan said they enjoy being apart at times, but they can still be found together on campus at times when attending club meetings for Key Club or practicing pieces in the band room. 

“We never pressure each other to join clubs that only one of us is interested in,” Jonathan said. “We just think that it would be more fun if both of us were there, so if I start attending one club’s meetings, then I usually tell Ethan about it, and from there, he decides if that’s something he wants to do as well.”

For Brayden and Micayla, in high school, their growing differences in extracurricular pursuits caused Brayden to compare his identity to Micayla’s.

“Micayla is always a glowing beacon  of extroversion and she is such a high achiever that I sometimes felt like a quiet little shadow behind her,” Brayden said. “It’s hard because even if other people aren’t explicitly comparing us, I always felt an unspoken rivalry.”

Similarly, while high school offered Nasha and Nava the opportunity to branch out, Nasha said it also made the differences between herself and Nava increasingly apparent. For the first time, Nasha felt herself compare her accomplishments or academic successes to Nava’s.

“If Nava got a better grade on a calculus test, and I struggled that week, I would tell myself that if I studied harder or worked harder, I could’ve done as well as Nava,” Nasha said. “The same thing would happen if one of us had plans to go out one night and the other didn’t, and just other small things.”

Nasha said that these small instances of comparison never substantially hindered her relationship with Nava, but it was difficult for her to come to terms with the comparative mentality she sometimes lulled into.

 “Internally, I would compare myself just a little bit even when no one else did, and I think it was the same for Nava, but we never talked about it,” Nasha said. 

Although not the case for Nasha and Nava, for many sets of twins, Friedman said that small instances of jealousy commonly grow into a heightened desire to be the same as the other, both  emotionally and physically. 

At the end of high school, Nasha and Nava decided to go their separate ways in college because of the different qualities they sought in their ideal schools. Nasha currently attends the University of Southern California as a Law, History, and Culture major while Nava attends the San Francisco State University as a Race and Resistance major. 

Being apart in college, Friedman said, is one of the easiest ways twins can explore their own identities. 

“College can be an opportunity where the people around you can see you and know nothing about where you’re from or who’s in your family,” Friedman said. “With the weight of expectations or people having prior knowledge about you off your shoulders, it can be easier for twins to begin seeing themselves as individuals.”

According to Brayden, he and Micayla don’t have plans to attend the same college. However, they are certain that, no matter how far they may end up geographically, they will always be part of each others’ lives. 

“She is always someone who is a part of my life and I have no intention of ever changing that,” Brayden said. “We have such a deep connection that I know that if we’re just a state away, or even on opposite sides of the country, that will never get in the way of us.”

Friedman said that twins who are able to communicate through their differences, especially if moving away for college, can still find a way to navigate adulthood together. 

In the future, Nasha and Nava said they hope to attend the same law school and become lawyers. Since Nasha and Nava both plan on visiting home this summer, Nasha said she looks forward to studying for the LSAT together.

At the end of the day, no matter where Nasha and Nava end up attending law school, Nasha said that her relationship with her sister will always be an important part of who she is.

“I always say that having a twin is like having a built-in best friend,” Nasha said. “Nobody understands me better than Nava does, and I love the aspects of us that we share as much as I love the aspects of us where we’re different.”