Micayla Lillie (10) has struggled with social anxiety for as long as she can remember.

One of her main challenges is finding ways to release nervous energy during interactions. As a result, she often fidgets with her hair and rings because she doesn’t know what to do with her hands. 

However, Lillie says this often creates further anxiety because she suspects that people are judging her for her fidgeting.

“It always seems like everyone else knows what to do with themselves,” Lillie said.

The fidgeting was easier for her to hide while on Zoom, but having to see herself on-screen during class was very stressful. 

According to Lillie, a benefit of attending school on campus is that because she can’t see herself, she isn’t as stressed about her appearance.

“I always feel like I’m under a microscope,” Lillie said. “I struggle with self-image, [and] things that I never noticed before were magnified [on Zoom].”

She is often self-conscious about her clothing, and Lillie says she picks out her clothes at night so she doesn’t have to spend time doing so in the morning.

“It shouldn’t be that big of a deal,” Lillie said. “It’s just picking an outfit, but I’ll put it on and then I just spiral. ‘I can’t pick something to wear,’ [or] ‘I can’t go out looking like an idiot.’”

Lillie attended therapy sessions last year to help her cope with her anxiety. However, the therapist insisted that her anxiety was COVID-related, though Lillie had been dealing with her social anxiety since she was very young. 

“I’ve been dealing with [social anxiety] through elementary, middle school, and high school,” Lillie said. “But my therapist was so invalidating of everything. She was like ‘Its normal for teenage girls.’”

Although her social anxiety is not caused by the pandemic, Lillie says her anxiety was harder to deal with after returning to school. 

“Not [being] around others meant that when I finally integrated myself into social settings, [I was] self-conscious and not as willing to be loud and outgoing like I have been all my life,” Lillie said.

She has tried finding her own ways to cope with her social anxiety, but without any guidance, Lillie says it was difficult finding methods that worked for her.

“No one taught me how to deal with mental health,” Lillie said. “It’s just figuring it out on your own, which is really difficult.”

Lillie says her struggles have also been diminished by others who don’t understand the struggles of poor mental health. 

“When you talk to older people, sometimes it’s like ‘You’re a child, you don’t do anything all day, you just go to school,’” Lillie said. “I felt hopeless when people invalidated my mental health issues. How [could] I get help if nobody [would] listen to me?”

She often finds perceivably simple tasks like making phone calls, crossing the street, or posting responses to a discussion board to be stressful. According to Lillie, her parents don’t often force her to have interactions if she’s not comfortable, but she still feels bad that she’s not ready to do certain things.

“I just feel guilty,” Lillie said. “I’d like to be able to just go up and talk to someone, [and] just function how society perceives is normal.”

Although she can’t completely cure her anxiety, she discovered ways to cope during her daily life. Lillie says she struggles with opening up to other people, so she has found other emotional outlets, such as journaling and positive affirmations.

“It helps release pent-up negative energy and not keep it bottled up,” Lillie said. “I can work [to] build myself up rather than break myself down, and realize it’s not the end of the world.”