Congress realizes error of its ways, certifies Trump to serve a second term

YJ Si, Editor-in-Chief

Art by Katie Lew

Yesterday, President Trump, for the second time, accepted his duty as the President of the U.S. and swore his oath to defend the Constitution for four more years, promising to be “a terrific King—I mean, President.”

After the protests against the blatant election fraud Jan. 6, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said that she has “realized the error of her ways” and committed to gathering all congresspeople to object to the dubious electoral votes in key battleground states.

“The people have spoken,” she said in a press release, looking slightly over the camera while periodically twitching. “It is my personal honor to help certify President Donald J. Trump for a second term.”

Mr. Trump said that he was proud of the nation and its representatives for their courage to stand up against voter fraud and a stolen election.

“I did this perfectly,” he said. “Now that I’m in charge, I can work towards making sure fraud like this never happens again. They tried stealing this election, but the radical left will never win.”

Since Jan. 6, the nation has still not heard from the rest of its Democratic representatives, besides their reported unanimous support for objecting to the original election results. When asked about their whereabouts, Mr. Trump said that they are “taking some time to think about their support for a stolen election.”

“Hopefully, they’ve learned their lesson,” he said. “If not, well, we’ll see what happens.”

When asked in a press briefing on the location of the other Democratic representatives, Pelosi shuddered and declined to comment. After a few seconds, however, she began to add quickly that she “wanted to let the people know the truth” before the camera and audio abruptly cut out. 

Mr. Trump said that with the nation’s election integrity and his position secured, he will also host a celebratory party where it is reported that Vice President Mike Pence will be publicly executed for treason. Trump added that he will likely install his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani as the next Vice President, so that “he’ll stop asking me where his money is.”