Tips for freshmen that NEVER fail

Aspen Cotton, Staff Writer

Art by Maddie Comstock

Ah. Freshman year. A time, according to the media, filled with wedgies, 7-foot-tall seniors ridiculing your every move, and homework. Lots and lots of homework. Many upperclassmen look back on freshman year regretfully, reliving their most embarrassing moments. 

Well, fear not freshmen, with  my singular year of sophomore supremacy, I will show you the ropes, and steer you away from making the same mistakes that the rest of us have, ones which have indelibly altered the course of our high school careers. 

The first thing that you should know is that  most schools only look at freshman GPAs, so make sure you never miss a single swim day in ENS. Those 15 points could mean the difference between Harvard and a lifetime of unemployment 

Also, pro-tip for English, if you space out your essay over a week, you might forget what you were writing about. It’s better to just do it the night before; your teacher will never know!

One thing I must say, is never, EVER talk to your teachers. Even if you were absent, and have no idea what a secondary claim is, or the nosotros form, you have to  push through. Google it if you must. Your teachers will totally give you a letter of recommendation if you don’t annoy them, and stay completely silent in their classroom. 

In my experience, as a freshman, the tables are the best place to sit during lunch. Just scooch in between that 7 foot tall senior and his friend, and strike up a conversation. They will love that. 

Maybe if you become friendly enough with a few upperclassmen, one might ask you out on a date! Always say yes; it’s good to remain close to someone who has lots of information to share with you about our school. 

In general, dating as a freshman is a WONDERFUL idea. Freshmen relationships are known to be some of the strongest, and most long-lasting in the history of high school!

So go for it, ask that person out to get ice-cream! Have both of your parents drop you off in front of the store! Use their credit card to buy a milkshake that (GASP) has two straws! You’ll fall in love instantly. 

You can bond over study dates, cramming for the SAT that you will definitely have to take to get into college. 

There are so many things that are integral to know about as soon as freshman year starts. One such thing is the freshen triathlon. You must definitely start preparing for it. My advice is to spend every lunch break on the track, getting that mile time lower and lower. If you do not place well  in the race, you will be ostracized and banned from any and all social circles. Your new lunch buddy would now be that one-legged seagull who stands menacingly in the corner, watching your every mood. It doesn’t talk much, but at least it won’t run screaming when it hears how long it took you to swim that 500. 

While all these rules and guidelines I have laid out are extremely important for you, if you want to have a good high-school experience, there is one, briefly covered, that I must impress upon you again. 

Never open your mouth, talk to people you don’t know, or make a splash in any way. High school is definitely not a place where you can find a community of people that you cherish, and activities or callings that you love. Not at all.