Tom Brady lives on in infamy

Ethan Woelbern, Features Editor

Attention all readers: an attack of the living dead has occurred. On the night of March 13 in the year of our lord, a janitorial woman reported the rising of an undead in the marshy grasses of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers stadium. 

“The smell of rotting flesh led me to the 50-yard line,” she said. “Where she was greeted by a rumbling underneath the Buccaneers logo. A singular decayed finger popped out of the swampy grass, and on it, a bedazzled ring marked LIV.”

A superbowl ring.

More fingers began to spring from the earth below, each adorned with similar fanciful jewelry. 

“Great heavens!” she exclaimed, as the then-fully-unearthed arm grasped the damp soil beneath it and pulled itself upward. 

Then she saw the undead’s face. The chiseled jawline, the piercing blue eyes, the unmistakable lips and  five-o-clock shadow. She knew who it was, who he was.

Tom Brady.

Brady reportedly hobbled his way over to the Buccaneers management building before chowing down on the brains of the owner. 

“It’s such a relief,” said Angela Glazer, wife of the now undead owner. “He’s been dealing with some serious mind fog since last season. When Tommy came back, he really helped him clear his head.”

The National Guard was quickly informed of Brady’s reanimation and set up a perimeter around city blocks, but were unable to stop the spread of the Brady infection throughout downtown Tampa.

With help from Matthew Stafford and the Rams last year, the National Guard were able to smother Brady seemingly altogether in the NFC playoffs. 

But it seems Brady’s defeat was but a ruse in order to increase his power. At the time of this broadcast, the undead vermin has already completely infected the rest of the Buccaneers squad.

Following the typical spread patterns of Brady’s previous ventures, the infected will probably spend a year or so in Tampa Bay before moving on to ail another city. New England still has a few zombie stragglers easily recognizable by their limp walk and decommissioned number 32 jersey.

As we have seen in previous years, this transition always affects the leaving team the hardest, with New England still recovering, and an infected Bill Belichek still under intensive lockdown. 

NFC owners, hide your teams. Who knows who Brady is going to infect next with his deadly virus, and who may feel the effects for years to come.