Senate acquits big, green, scary radioactive monster amid calls for unity

YJ Si, News Editor

Art by Katie Lew

The Senate voted to acquit the big green scary radioactive monster Saturday on charges of mass homicide and destruction of property. The prehistoric lizard monster is theorized to have been mutated by nuclear energy. In the rampage, it was seen wearing a bright red MAGA hat. During the early afternoon Jan. 6, it rose out of the sea, approached Washington, D.C. and decimated the entirety of the Capitol and its surroundings, leaving millions dead. Important representatives and senators were rushed inside an underground bunker shortly before the lizard arrived.

After control was restored, the lizard attempted to shelter at Mar-a-Lago. People across the nation began calling for its arrest and trial, and due to the cataclysmic nature of the event, the case was brought to trial in the Senate.

Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) questioned the constitutionality of such a case, considering the fact that it was unprecedented.

“Now that D.C. is already gone, it is time to unite, rather than adhering to partisan power grabs,” he said. “The framers never intended for us to hold giant prehistoric lizards accountable for their actions. Where are they mentioned in the Constitution? Exactly. They aren’t.”

In a 57-43 vote, the senators were 10 votes short of considering the lizard guilty of a crime. As a result, the possibility that it would be able to run for president in 2024 is still open. Following the trial, in a peculiar bout of intellect, the lizard called out to the sea, and rumbling shook the Earth thereafter. Experts believe this to be the signaling of its offspring.

Lizard lawyer Judy Ruliani continued insisting that his client had in fact done nothing wrong—the lizard had only done what it thought was right, and since “it is in lizards’ nature to kill and destroy, so we obviously can’t convict it for what it was made to do.” He said that such a destruction of D.C. was necessary to ensure that “the liberals and fake news media do not win.” 

“This trial was a charade from the beginning to the end,” he said during the trial. “But hey, look on the bright side. We don’t have to look at that eyesore of a Black Lives Matter sign on 16th street anymore.”

Despite being laughed at by the senate after his comments on deposition, Ruliani was enthusiastic about the trial’s outcome.

“Who’s laughing now, stupid Democrats?” he said. Later, he would be seen outside the remains of the Capitol building sitting in a cardboard box after the realization that the lizard had no means to pay him. 

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell commented that despite having voted to acquit, the lizard was definitely responsible for the destruction in D.C.

“There’s no question—none—that President Trump is practically and morally responsible for provoking the events of the day,” said the turtle. “Maybe he’ll get held accountable for that later. Who knows?”